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Friday, April 15, 2011
Alright, as promised. I'm back. Mainly due to many reasons.
I still have feelings for this blog, and that this place gives me too much memories I can't seem to forget. I abandoned it in the first place because I wanted to forget everything, but it seems I can't run away from it; having had so much emotion here, once loving her.
Recently, I've been thinking about my past. Reading my archives, my Msn conversation history between people whom were once close to me but I neglected them.
When I got in to Sec 1, I have nothing to worry about. All I did was play and take my studies for granted. For that, I'm paying the price now. Rest assured, I'll buck up. I won't let you down, Mum. Please do not worry for me. I love you and I always will.
As for my dearest friends, some whom I've neglected in my early, childish, immature years. I beg for your forgiveness. You people were there for me, but all I craved for was attention. I took your care and concern for granted. I only had one thing in mind back then, that was to be the most popular one in school. As a result, I only hung out with the popular ones, and at the same time being becoming bad with Chin Yong. It's hard to lead a double-life. Yes, he's one good brother I will never forget. Though we broke rules, we broke minor laws, we were afterall still filial. We didn't steal, rob, start trouble. Well we had fun, those days. Now, we rarely speak. Afterall, I gave up the love of my life which was also my one and only childhood friend just to cease your jealousy once and for all because you like her. At times, I think my sacrifices now are all not worth it. But now, I think it's retribution for me. I neglected so many people that they now avoid me and to think I'm dumb enough to think that they've changed whereas instead, I was the one. All my friends in lower secondary; have now become complete strangers to me. Due to my craving, I kept changing friends, always sticking to the popular ones. Now, I have not much friends except for the few good ones whom I've finally realized before I lost them. All I want to say is, if any of them are still reading them is that, I'm very sorry. I know this word of apology is nothing but as you know I am a man of pride but this time, yes for once I'm swallowing my pride because though I know it's too late to change things, but I hope and really do you all give me a chance to make amendments. I used to think that people were 'guailan' and wondered why they are like that. Now, I'm having the same thoughts; "Why am I like that?" Is it too late that I realized this? I've changed since the start of January. Everyone has, but mainly the change in attitude to me was because of me. Secondary 1 - 2 life was fun, but I didn't cherish it. As I'm writing this, I'm tearing with my heart aching. It's been a long time since I've felt like this but this shows how much you people mean to me. I may not get your friendship back but I do hope you forgive me. No amount of words can express how I feel. No amount of sorry's can mend the hurt I've caused in you all. No amount of excuses can cover the guilt I have in me.
As first, Kokhong my closest bro. I read our conversation history and realized you were the one that was always there for me among them. You were the one that always helped me, be it basketball or relationship. You were the one that always talked to me first. Yet, I'd always leave you for my computer games, to text girls, or to simply ignore you. Yes, I'm a jerk even I hate myself so when I think back. " Why the hell was I so rude? " I am sincerely sorry.
My ex-band mates; Juliana, Serene, Jingying, Melvin, my seniors and many others all whom I've taken for granted. I have many things to say, but all I can utter now is sorry.
My primary school friends; Fengting, sorry I've let you down bro.
Weiting, my sunnu. In the past, I've always treated that as a normal term and merely took you as a normal friend ever since I've stopped having feelings for you. What I did not realize is that you never failed to be there for me. When no one read my blog, you were the only one that knew I updated recently. I was really touched. When I needed someone most, you were the only one there. I'm sincerely grateful and I don't know how I can express my gratitude. Once again, thank you and I hope you forgive my past foolish actions. I am very sorry.
Nicholas Chang Ding Jie, my ever reliable buddy. My one and only male best friend that stuck with me through everything. When I had problems, you were there. When I went down to a fight, you were there. You were with me, no matter what. Even if you were scared, we were both scared. But still you stood by me. You really treasured me and I too, but merely I spoke it in words. I did not do anything to prove I cherished you. When you were having problems with your girlfriend, all I could give you was stupid advice just so I could continue with my game. I was such a fucking jerk. As such, buddy will you still forgive me? Will we still have late nights together, having sleep-overs at your house, sharing our secrets? Will you?
Ng Jiahui, my one and only childhoold female friend. Girl, I know you've stopped blogging so you'll never read this. I may not have a chance to tell you in real, so all I can hope is that you one day, stumble upon my blog and read this. For you, I've braved through many things just to win your heart during that long ardous 7 years. I told you I would wait forever and I'm the only guy that won't break this promise. But, afterall when I was Sec 2 I gave you up, right when you needed me most. I couldn't fulfill your promise. I left you there, to enjoy the attention I craved for, to enjoy the 'fun' life I craved for. Now, what's left of our friendship is reduced to smithereens. 8 years, I really cannot take it lying down. As I watch helplessly as you drift from me, I start to regret even more. Our texts get shorter, our chats become shorter till the point we don't even talk. I used to be the guy that knew best about you. Now, I don't even know your favorite color. I tried making amends by talking to you once again, but the feel of awkwardness is there. Just like in Primary 5. I hate that feeling but I brought it all upon yourself. You've also started replying late, and lately you've been swearing. You've changed till I don't recognise you anymore. Now whenever I see you, I flash a smile and yet you turn away with the group of boys you have now as friends. Everything's my fault. We promised to keep our friendship till we grow old. Is it still possible? I do want it, I really do. Can we start all over?
If it's possible, I do not mind exchanging anything for the care and concern of my friends. I want them back.
I've stopped being a jerk. I've stopped being 'guailan' to people. I've stopped taking people for granted. I've learnt to see who are my true friends. I've learnt to change. Is it enough or is it too late?
I've never believed in God,
but dear God, please give me the strength and faith to persevere and overcome this tide. I really want to make amendments to the beautiful life given to me that I screwed up. From Heaven to Hell.
Amen.
